I started this website over a year ago with a sort of, "if you build it, they will come," attitude. I didn't really realize the amount of work that would go into it or the absolutely crippling way that shipping prices would rise. It got to be depressing every time I got a notification for a sale because my bottom line was truly at the bottom.
If I look at where I was before the website, I felt like the site was the thing that was going to finally make people take me seriously. People wanted to lowball my prices or they wanted things for free because I didn't have a site to upkeep. I wasn't paying for my art, so why should they?
It's funny how the goalpost moved once I was, in fact, paying for my art. It became, "You still have a day job. This isn't how you support yourself."
I've spent the last year redefining success for myself. And that was really hard, because this was where I started:
My idea of success was that everyone had to love me. Not that my bills were paid, or I was able to quit my job (that hasn't happened yet). The idea was that I had this huge fanbase to make me feel great about myself. (It's so funny how much the inner child plays into everything.)
I had a meltdown in October, in the middle of a huge project. I started posting illustrated stories about my childhood on my Instagram. Then in March, I had a surgery. It brought up a lot of repressed emotions about medical neglect I had experienced in my life. I was healing physically and mentally at the same time and it was too much.
Of course, I have been drawing since then, but I felt like I needed to protect myself. From the people who wanted my art for free (or ridiculously cheap), and from myself, who just wanted everyone to love me and a lot of times gladly gave it away. Those boundaries I put up to protect myself, though, they blocked any chance my art had of reaching people.
Since March, I have been gifted some opportunities to work with expensive mediums I never thought I would have. The universe was like, "All of those things you thought you were missing out on? Let's see." I discovered I don't really like oils. And that the hype around the iPad is warranted. I have a box of clay in my bedroom, right now, intimidating me. I'm exploring and playing and I think I have created some of the best work of my life. Work that I see on t-shirts, coffee mugs, notebooks, dresses and outdoor furniture. I don't know if I can make all of that happen, or if you all will love it as much as I do. But I also don't care so much anymore, and that is something to celebrate.
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